Anne Lamott wrote Help, Thanks, Wow a small book about prayer. The women at Journey Together in Stitches highly suggested it. At first attempt I could not even read it. I was at a season with MUCH anger towards God and did not want anyone else's perspective on prayer. A few months later I found it to be a good book off the beaten path of most "religious" books.
In this passage Anne is talking about the death of her cat, Jeanie. I found it to contain truth for many situations.
"I called to have the vet come by to put her down. I said, "Help. Also, I gave her a lot of morphine, what had to have been an overdose, which she just slept off. All I wanted was for her not to die miserable and afraid. That's all.
It is nighttime now, and Jeanie passed an hour ago, miserable and afraid.
When the vet came, we tried to gently get her out from under the futon, and she went crazy, and the next ten minutes were so awful that I won't describe them. Suffice it to say that she did not go gently into that good night. It broke my heart. But she had been suffering, and is suffering no more. She had an amazing run of love with my family. She was a proud little union cat, and also a model of queenly disdain with a bit of grudging affection for most people, and pure adoration for me.
Was my prayer answered? Yes, although I didn't get what I'd hoped and prayed for, what I'd selected from the menu. Am I sick with anxiety, that I did the wrong thing? Of course. Sad? Heartbroken. But Jeanie hit the lottery when she got me as her person for thirteen years, and the bad death was only ten minutes. So let me get back to you on this."
A friend recently had a difficult divorce in progress. Then a corner was turned and both husband and wife agreed to release the other. Before the divorce was finalized he was diagnosed with fatal illnesses and died rather rapidly. She was a cauldron of emotions. One neat item was the letter he had sent her on Mother's Day thanking her for being so good to his children when they were young and in need of love and tenderness. And for being such a good wife to him, even though he was never willing to participate in counseling or bettering their relationship. This letter helped her through some of the worst emotions.
I sent this passage to her. You see, he had "hit the lottery" when he got her for a wife. The bad parts at the end were a few months long and the injuries to her from his adult children during the last days of his life and funeral were bloody and agonizing. But it was mere moments compared to their over 20 years together. Did it end the way she prayed and wanted? No. Has she been sick with anxiety that she did it wrong? Yes. Was she sad? Yes. In some ways heartbroken, yet in other ways she came to see that the marriage had died years ago. No, she did not get the marriage she had longed and prayed for, but her life is still on-going and God is at work.
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